Thursday, June 2, 2011

Aftermath of Catastrophe

There has been one significant "constant" in my family; a place that has grounded us, given us a heritage and identity, that's always been "there" and the same.  Generations of my family have been born, lived, died, moved away, returned and the land is always there.  My great-great-grandparents traveled across a wilderness in the mid-1850s to claim this homestead in the Loess Hills outside of Logan, Iowa, a small town just barely in existence.

There was a log cabin on the property that had been inhabited temporarily by Mormans on their way to Utah in the 1840s (some spent a devastating winter in Florence, Nebraska). (My mom said it was torn down in about the 1950s, after serving as a shed, not recognized for historical significance at that time). The area was called "Six Mile Grove" - there is a creek by that name that borders our farm.  The old farm house that stands under an ancient oak tree, at the far edge of a field, on top of a hill with a view to the west.  The guess is that it was built approximately 1860, but there are no surviving records, probably due to a courthouse fire long ago.  It was most likely built using trees from the property, cut at the mill in town or by hand, with bricks made from local clay and limestone foundation stones from the local quarry.  It's not a handsome house, but it has stood for over 160 years.

My Mom owns what is left of the original homestead; the family came across hard times after a failed investment (a grocery store) involving a shady lawyer.  Family friends held the mortgage and offered it to her, she only in her mid-20s at the time, to keep it from being lost to our family.  My mother, despite two failed marriages, raising two children, then two grandchildren, and very limited income, managed to pay off that mortgage and keep that farm debt-free for over 50 years.  It is her wish that this remain in our family; "Century" farms, those that have been in one family for over 100 years, are somewhat uncommon.  Unfortunately, the old house had already fallen into a state of disrepair, Mom just couldn't afford to fix it.

Why this background information?  I suppose it is my way of establishing the impact of the events on March 22, 2011.  Why this catastrophe has had a more profound effect than, perhaps, a place with less personal history.

Tuesday, March 11, 2011 was a lovely early spring kind of a day, but quite warm, almost 80 F.  Too warm, because when a cold front moved through the area in the late afternoon, the weather changed for the worse.  I'd seen a tornado watch on the internet and called Mom to make sure she knew.  There are no sirens within hearing distance where she lives...eight miles outside of town.  Shortly after 5 p.m., she and my niece Jamie, who'd been watching the news on TV, heard a tornado was heading in their direction.  Barely 9 minutes later, and after running for shelter in the cellar near the house, the devastation began.

In minutes, our barn was knocked off its foundation and collapsed, half of the roof torn off the house, several broken windows, nearly every tree surrounding the house damaged or destroyed, except for the old oak tree which only lost a few branches.  One old cedar tree, planted as part of a windbreak by my great-grandfather and my grandpa, fell on the back porch.  A tree fell on my mom's beloved pop-up camper, crushing it.  The tornado traveled past the house, in a southwesterly direction from what I understand, tearing and twisting, snapping and uprooting trees in its path.  Huge trees, ancient several-hundred-year old oaks, walnuts, elms, cedar...dozens, maybe hundreds torn and broken across our wooded acres.

So we are left with the devastation of the wrath of a tornado.  Heartbreakingly, my mother had no insurance on the property, because the insurance company dropped coverage a couple years ago due to the age and condition of the buildings (and also that Mom has a wood heating stove, which she always has, but apparently now that's become an issue of uninsurability).  There's simply no money for repairs, clean-up, etc.  Mom took out a loan that she can barely afford to make payments on, just to buy materials to repair the roof on the house.  We've had some volunteer help, and a few small donations, but it isn't enough.  Government assistance would force her to sell her home or part of the property, or place a lien in which the government would get it when she dies, which she refuses to do.  This is her home and it is still a working farm, her business.

Can we, as a family, get through this?  I can only hope so...my ancestors were pioneers, strong and brave to come to a wilderness to create a new life and enjoy freedom.   I still feel so helpless, though, when my mother speaks of the nightmares of the storm that haunt her still, and knowing she and my niece lived through that terrible experience.  There's so little I can do yet.   My goal is to find some kind of assistance that will allow my mother to get back on her feet, and still keep her dignity.  Considering what she has been through, it's the least she deserves.

                                                                   The back of the house, sans roof

                                                              My brother John, and the remains of the barn
                                                   Mom's beloved pop-up camper...won't be going anywhere now



                                                               A view of some of the trees down in our woods


                                                                    A view toward the tornado's path

Monday, February 28, 2011

Long time no see me...here

I haven't posted anything at all on my blog for quite some time.  So much for one of my "resolutions"...to spend more time writing on this blog.  Luckily, there's no deadline and I may still find inspiration yet!
  
I suppose my best excuse has been my life revolving around the foot surgery I had in late November, just before Thanksgiving.  Even though I've been through three previous surgeries on this foot, this one has taken "endurance"...and far more patience.  I really didn't expect my recuperation to be as difficult or lengthy as it was, and dragging that cast around all winter was especially tiresome.  Everything, and I mean everything, became more difficult and time-consuming. Bathing, dressing, driving, housework, negotiating stairs, walking more than a few yards...Sleep was a huge problem; I liken the experience to fastening a concrete block to my foot then trying to get comfortable in bed...not gonna happen.  I spent plenty of nights on the sofa propped up with pillows, that seemed to help a bit.  Pain wasn't really too much of an issue, unless I got off schedule on taking the meds.  I learned very quickly: don't do that!

Clearing snow from the numerous snowstorms that occurred was frustrating.  Unfortunately, no offers of help were forthcoming (I will refrain from expounding on this sore point)...so I resourcefully used the orange plastic newspaper bags to cover my cast and hauled out the shovel and snowblower and did it myself.  I only fell once but didn't break anything, just pretty sore for a couple days.  I suppose I need to learn to get better at asking for help, but I have found that hearing lame excuses or someone says they will and then don't, are worse than just doing it myself.

Of course, one of the hardest things to deal with these past three months (yes, I am still recuperating, but had a good doctor's report today so I'm on the downhill slide) has been my inability to dance.  Much of my social life revolves around my passion for dance and I've felt the loss sorely.  I've still been spending Friday nights at Jitterbugs, though, and it's been good to spend time with my friends there.  Looking forward, I'm planning to get back into swing dancing (and I'd like to focus on improving my skills at Balboa) and salsa.  I'm also very excited about signing up for bellydancing classes; it's something I've always wanted to do and I've heard it's good for strengthening "core" muscles.

I'm counting the days until my feet hit the dance floor again...and for spring time and warmer weather.  I guess I should consider experiences like making a stronger person, but I have to admit I could use far fewer!

Friday, October 8, 2010

Misha

Misha on the front porch, catching some sun and watching birds

I had to say goodbye to my long-time companion, my beloved cat Misha, last week.  This beautiful black cat found me and adopted me as his one-and-only person, and rescuer, nearly 13 years ago - the night before my birthday in 1997. Unlike superstition he brought me only good luck...and the unconditional love and trust of the kind our pets give to us.  I valued his more so...because wherever he'd been, he'd been badly abused.

Other pet-lovers will understand the pain and loss of losing a "member of the family."  Even though he didn't make much noise, the house seems overly quiet and much too lonely.  I still find myself looking for him when I come in the door (he would usually come to greet me...or try to "escape" outside even though he was an indoor kitty).  At night, sometimes I imagine I still feel his weight and warmth at the foot of the bed. 

I still can't bring myself to move his favorite "blankie" from one of his "nests" on top of the cedar chest in my bedroom.  He so loved soft places - especially blankets.  I always thought it was so funny how, if I took a blanket and wadded it into a nest, and dropped him on it...even if he was being cranky or irritable, it was an instant transformation into purring, happy, bread-kneading pussy cat.  And Misha loved canteloupe, ice cream....and bacon!

My mom always says it is so hard because we usually outlive our pets, and it never gets any easier to say goodbye.  This was so much harder because I had to make the decision to let him go.  I could not bear to let him suffer and try to keep him here for my own benefit.  But I am humbled by witnessing his last little shuddering breath.

Goodbye my faithful little friend....I know you will be waiting for me still when I cross over.

Existing on the Edge of Consciousness

Sometimes I think my whole life is like that, not quite "real"...and often a struggle to create and maintain my "reality".  It's like, when I listen to Celtic music, I respond as though I can almost, but not quite, understand the words.  Life sometimes seems that way too, as though I feel I should know and understand how to deal with it, but I am missing some crucial information somewhere along the way.  I often feel adrift, and even the few things that "ground" me, such as people I love, or my house, or my job are still ephemeral and could vaporize in an instant.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Confessions of a Shoe-A-Holic...Heart and Sole






I'm not sure exactly when my passion for footwear began. Perhaps as a little girl, maybe three years old, when I was given a pair of pink cowboy boots - my mom says I wore them constantly and even tried to wear them to bed! I have a pink cowboy hat now (with a story of its own!...why don't I have boots to match? That may have to be remedied!)

I can definitively connect a solid addiction to my "Disco Queen" days in the mid- to late 80s when I would suffer wearing 3 to 4-inch heels gyrating to the heart-thumping beats of Prince, Cyndi Lauper, Kool & The Gang, Madonna and Boy George under the revolving, scintillating disco-ball lights at my favorite clubs (does anyone remember Gambit's at the Marriott, Brandywine's, Jodphur's, Electric Cowboy, the Metro...?)

And when I say "suffer"...I do mean suffer...unfortunately I'm plagued by hereditary foot problems that have resulted in three surgeries in my lifetime (including what I hope will be the last one which I had in November...my new "accessory" is a titanium toe joint). I've never let that stop me from my love of dancing, however! No pain, no gain and all that. Perhaps my passion for dancing is inherited too...one of my maternal great-grandmothers loved to polka dance well into her late 90s (a secret to her longevity, perhaps?)...and when she broke her hip and could no longer go, well, she just decided it was time to "check out", which she did, at 98 years old. I'm thinking that's how I want to go, with my dancin' shoes still on!

Shoes are a fortunate necessity for dancing, but my passion extends to just about any kind of footwear. Casual, dress, professional dance shoes, tennis shoes, boots, slippers, flip-flops (can't call them "thongs" any more since that term now applies to skimpy little pieces of string attached to tiny triangles of material that somehow are considered "undergarments"), sandals. I have literally dozens of pairs of shoes...and I actually do still have some of my "vintage" pairs from the 80s and one pair of "platforms" from high school (which could very well bring in some dinero if I auctioned them off on ebay...which I won't.) I particularly love "sparkly" shoes, as evidenced by my latest purchase:




No, they're not Dorothy's...they're mine!


High heels, while many consider them a "torture instrument" of women's fashion, do have the amazing ability to create the illusion of longer, sexy legs by shortening the calf muscles or whatever. At 5'2" I need all the help I can get since it also somehow seems to make my rear end look less endowed by lengthening my proportions.

I totally understand the need for multiple pairs of black dress shoes and how it's a must for a certain outfit to be completed with just the right pair of shoes. A pair of tennis shoes for a business suit? Oh, no...well, unless you work downtown and keep a spare pair in your desk drawer to wear while walking at lunch time. It's de riguer in downtown business districts, but a fashion faux pas anywhere else. I did learn my lesson on stiletto safety early on in my first downtown job...I was hurrying as fast as I could (in spike heels, that's not particularly speedy) and as I was passing in front of a diner with a big plate glass window in front through which I was visible, one of my pointy heels landed with bulls'-eye accuracy in a teeny tiny little hole in the sidewalk just big enough for it to get stuck in. I pitched forward out of my shoe and nearly took a nose-dive into the cement. I still remember, all these years later, the embarrassment of trying to yank my shoe out of the pavement in front of the snickering restaurant patrons.






These have a retro-cool look to them that I love...and 4-inch heels which make them a bit unsuitable for dancing, unfortunately.



Now don't get me wrong, I actually do favor comfort over style (and yes, that usually is a choice that must be made when it comes to fashion). I'm also a fan of going barefoot whenever possible. Given the hereditary nature of my foot problems, I may be facing a fashion-free future when it comes to foot wear. You know, those homely rubber-soled shoes with velcro closures? It makes me wince to think about it... And I can tell you with authority: I will never, ever, EVER wear those dorky-looking things with the coiled-spring "heels"! They surpass even Crocs for ugliness. (I will confess that Crocs are quite comfortable - I succumbed to peer pressure and purchased some hot pink ones...I wore them a couple of times, but couldn't bear the ugliness of their existence on my feet. They found their way to a local thrift store in order to adorn the tootsies of someone far less image-conscious than I.) I also think there's a reason Ugg boots are called that...they're UGG-ly. (I can make libelous comments about shoes without negative consequences, can't I?)


It's comforting to know that I am not alone in my passion for footwear. Yes, there are others who know the powerful draw of the clearance sale shoe rack in the department store...the satisfaction of finding the perfect pair for an outfit...the ahhhh feeling of finding that super-comfortable pair to schlep around in on weekends....and the total "score!" feeling when a wolf-whistle follows the sashaying promenade in sexy heels.


Envision a world without shoes? Simply sole-destroying.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Awakening

I cannot even begin to express how grateful and happy I am to see and feel the arrival of springtime. Feeling something other than the bitter bite of arctic wind on my face, actually seeing my lawn after months of being buried under deep drifts of snow, no more walking through shoveled paths through knee- to waist-high piles of frozen precipitation or scraping frost off the inside of my car windows, "outside" being a place to escape to not from.

According to my friend Eric's research, we went for 107 days straight, from December 1 to March 17, with temperatures below 50F...and of those, 88 (nearly all consecutively) were below 40F. Definitely Nature's way of testing our endurance!

This past winter was a test of my patience, endurance and good humor. I have been noticing the changes in my own personality that I think are partially attributable to extended deprivation of sun and warmth. Other factors include, of course, the state of the economy and overall general stress...and I know I'm not alone in feeling the effects. I've been feeling unsettled, cranky, worried and frequently "blue."

Unfortunately, due to the nature of my employment, I get to bear the brunt of others' anger and frustrations on a daily basis. I've said it often of late, I have definitely noticed a marked increase in negative behaviors from the "public." More aggression, more anger...a certain "mean-ness" with little or no self-checking behavior. I think I can understand what "causes" people to vent like this...but although I'm often a scapegoat, at least it reminds me constantly to curb my own impulses to "take it out" on others. Unfortunately, I haven't always been successful.

But...Spring is here, I can feel it coming on...the air feels different, softer and warmer...the smells of softening earth and growing things and rain...the first bright-eyed robin was perched in the small tree in my front yard the other day and other birds nearby chirp happily. The flattened brown grass is greening and tiny shoots of my flower bulbs are poking through the dirt.

Then, this past Sunday, the first day of Spring, I saw this:

and it was time for new beginnings and casting off the numbness this past winter has inflicted. As for me, I feel as if something cold and hard inside me is loosening up and fading, an awakening. The Beatles wrote the song that now plays through my soul...

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter

Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun

and I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces

Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun

and I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting

Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun

and I say it's all right

It's all right

Yeah, it's gonna be all right.

Monday, February 8, 2010

An Interesting Compliment

So I was descending the stairs in my pirate wench costume at the infamous Groundhog Prom this past weekend....and this black guy walking by looked up, saw me, and said "Woo! Girlfriend, you're built like a black girl!"

"Brick House", baby!