Throwing Up Walls

To be honest, this is not my favorite time of year. I really struggle to get through the holidays, even though I enjoy the traditions and spending time with friends and family. I explained to a friend recently that over time I've experienced several tragic emotional and physical experiences over the holiday season. My father died two years ago in mid-December. Even though we were estranged, it was difficult being the next of kin, making arrangements, and realizing that any chance of ever knowing him was lost forever. Quite a few of my large extended family have also passed away during the holiday season.
Ten years ago, the day after Christmas in 1998, I nearly lost my life in a catastrophic car accident. Critically injured, I spent New Year's Eve in ICU, months out of the workforce, and the following two years plus dealing with constant pain, illness, loss, recuperation (involving hundreds of medical appointments), a nasty lawsuit and trying to get my life back on track. Without doubt, the most difficult experience of my entire life. While I feel it made me a stronger person, it's left me with a sense of vulnerability that I have yet to overcome.
My way of dealing with emotional fragility seems to be "throwing up walls" to avoid being hurt. I often cover up how I'm really feeling about some one or some thing by hiding behind indifference. Or I try to avoid certain situations altogether.
I know this is self-defeating. I hate it because I know oftentimes it makes me seem cold and hard. The truth? I'm anything but that. I'm too soft-hearted for my own good, I run on my emotions, I feel passionately. I care too much. I internalize responses or reactions from people around me and if I'm feeling they don't "like" me, I take it personally and wonder how to make myself better.
I am lucky enough to have loving friends and family around me that understand and they keep me grounded, keep me from spinning out of control emotionally. One step at a time, and I will move on into a warmer, safer place where I can lower my defenses again.