Lonely

It's catching up to me...I've managed to be ok with my singleness for the last few years. Since my last relationship, which was actually a pretty good one and didn't leave me with bad memories or the desire to avoid men in general, it's been more a matter of too much stress and too many other issues to deal with. It left me with little time or the energy to devote to a relationship.

But now...I want that. I miss having a companion/lover/confidant. There's such a void and it's hard to work my life around that. Keeping busy is one way to fill in the gaps...but it's a lot of work and I'm not always successful. Dancing, housework, yard work, spend time with friends and family, shopping, the job. Repeat. But I'm still lonely.

Most of my close friends are in relationships and while they're great about remembering to include me in events (although that doesn't happen often), I'm still the "third wheel". Last night, I went to a great outdoor concert with some young friends and everywhere around me were couples holding hands, sitting together, strolling around. It would've been a perfect night to share with someone special. My heart ached with the lack of that in my life.

I'm trying not create a pity party for myself, but I'm finding it so incredibly difficult to meet someone. There have been men I've been interested in, but I'm either ignored, put into the "friend" category, or flirted with (which I do love to do) with no end results. Frustrating and I don't know how to change that. I'm trying not to be too "picky" but the truth is, I suppose I am. I rarely meet men who have the combination of intelligence, integrity and sense of humor (and physical attraction...yes, I'm shallow enough to admit it) that catch my interest. I told a friend that is a combination that is guaranteed to "knock my socks off...and possibly other articles of clothing!" There's nothing I love better than an interesting, witty, funny flirting session! I've been lucky enough to encounter that scenario lately, but nothing ever comes of it.

A tendency I'm trying very hard to avoid, is to wonder what my faults are, what am I doing wrong, am I too fat or not pretty enough, is it my age? I don't want to tear myself up over this, and quite honestly I do acknowledge that I have many desirable qualities that should be in my favor. I'm very social and I have many friends who seem to think highly of me. So what's the problem? I'm beginning to feel that I just don't know how the dating scene works. The traditional sequence of events doesn't seem to exist. Boy meets girl. Exchange of phone numbers. Ask on a date. Etc. What is dating anymore?

The ways people communicate now are so different too: chat, email, texting. It's eliminated a lot of the "body language" part of interaction, which is something I have always relied on to understand where someone is coming from. Sure, someone can flirt with me by chat or email...but I can't see the look in the eye, the angle of the body, that would tell me if it's real or in fun. Not knowing for sure makes it impossible for me to be sure how to act upon a situation; I'm terrified of embarressing myself by assuming wrong.

Attitudes towards relationships seem to have changed too; for example "hooking up" and "friends with benefits." The latter I have actually given serious consideration to, although I doubt my ability to remain somewhat emotionally unattached as that would seem to require. The thought of an "open" relationship leaves me feeling uncomfortable. But, would "something be better than nothing"? I just don't know.

I have let desperate loneliness lead me to some unfortunate relationship decisions in the past and I have made a lot of effort to avoid that happening again. Have I gone too far with that? Perhaps my caution in "doing it right" this time has caused the barrier.

In the end, perhaps it's simply that I haven't met "the one" or even someone who is mutually attracted and willing...and that puts me right back to the beginning.