The Worst Valentine Gift

I'd dated Mike for several years, so this wasn't an instance of not being familiar with my preferences. Honestly, I am really quite easy to please and appreciate gifts, especially those given with thought behind them. I am so sentimental. That, much more than cost, is what touches my heart the most. Hndmade gifts or cards, anything as long as it's given with honest, loving consideration. However, sometimes there can just a little too much good intention.

I guess I have to give Mike some credit, there was definitely some thought behind the gifts he gave me for what ended up being our last Valentine's Day together (that wasn't the catalyst, we just grew apart). He was a good guy, and really touched me with some sweet gestures in the time we spent together. Like after I mentioned once that I would get my ears pierced if I ever got a pair of diamond earrings, he gave them to me for my 35th birthday. I had to overcome my extreme dislike of needles; it was a traumatic event to get the piercings, but I still think of how thoughtful that was every time I wear them.

Unfortunately, I'd put on a bit of weight due to aging beyond 30 and some medication I was taking at the time. Maybe I should have seen it coming when he gave me a "low fat" cookbook for Christmas.

Here's some advice to the lovelorn, however. A romantic Valentine's gift is not a too-small Lycra workout outfit and a "Lite" Milky Way bar. (I don't believe they still make those. Good.) It brought tears to my eyes, but they were not happy ones. Ouch. Thanks, boyfriend, for the not-so-subtle hint to lose weight.

I'm sure there's a moral to this story, and I can certainly understand the angst involved in picking out the "perfect" gift, especially for Valentine's Day. I think the poor guys, especially, are under the gun. Give me anything lovingly and with affection, and I would be happy (this is coming from someone who's been nobody's Valentine for the better part of her adult life). However, a gift pointedly acknowledging a disadvantage or fault such as a weight issue...probably not a good idea.

In retrospect, it's pretty funny now, but I certainly did not appreciate it at the time. What did I do? Well, I returned that damned outfit to Target, went to Victoria's Secret and got myself a sexy little black silk ensemble. Much more flattering. I still have it.

Spending someone else's money

Last evening, I tagged along with my young friend Sarah to help her pick out furniture for her first apartment. We went to Nebraska Furniture Mart, the country's, maybe even the world's, largest furniture store. On her list: a sofa (a necessity in the event of parties and guests) and possibly coffee table or bookshelves.

It ended up being kind of fun, at least for me. Too bad we didn't have a camera because it seemed pretty amusing the way we were systematically, and simultaneously, trying out each sofa for comfort by sitting or even laying down on it.

I think we must've tried out a couple hundred sofas. It was surprising how many (actually, most) really aren't comfortable at all, and cost was not necessarily an indicator of comfort or attractiveness. One in particular would've been good for a "Kodak moment" - it was enormous and pillow-endowed, built for freakishly tall people, I think. My feet stuck straight out off the edge, I couldn't reach the floor. Basically I pretty much disappeared when I landed in there amongst all those pillows! Sarah had to rescue me by pulling me up and out of the engulfing upholstery.

She ended up finding one she liked, although there was a more "girly" one that she might have preferred. However, taking into account untidy and rambunctious friends, she choose a classy, darker colored, more durable and comfortable one, which seemed more practical. A very cool, multi-functional coffee table was chosen, as well.

I have concerns that she feels a bit squeamish about the expense. I've been there a few times myself! I did try to assure her that at least this sort of purchase is rather an investment, and one she will not have to make again for a very long time.

All that sofa-testing and shopping was a lot of work! We were feeling some hunger pangs and ended up grazing at an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffett afterwards. Of course, I ended up eating too much.

Anyhow, I hope she enjoys her new purchases and discovers how cool it is to have your own place, your own stuff and the freedom of living on your own!

Inspiration, anyone?

So...as I'm pretty new to this blogging stuff, I could use some topic suggestions. I still need to figure out why my photos aren't importing and fiddle around with "personalizing" my blog - making it all organized, pretty and stuff.

I've been known to be quite humorous, creative and even talented when it comes to writing...I think the subzero temperatures have caused my brain to resemble something similar to a raspberry ICEE.

The French say "Au revoir"...

"Until next time." I hate saying goodbye. There is something too final about it, especially when it comes to bidding a dear friend farewell. Our friends have done a good job of documenting Jillian's "victory tour" and multiple going-away goings-on, so I will keep it simple.

Jillian, you have become a dear friend, in spite of the significant age difference (at least literally :) and relatively short time we've known each other. Thank you for being a shoulder to lean on, a sympathetic ear, a wiper-away of tears, a giggle-instigator, a nourisher of appreciative taste-buds, and an anchor when I sometimes go off the deep end!

Good luck in your exciting new adventures. Au revoir, my friend.

Pathetic

Sometimes I wonder if I could screw up any more? Honestly, I try so hard to "do the right thing," often at the cost of my own happiness or comfort. This time has been difficult because I'm dealing with too many emotions and situations and it just went past my comfort level. I'm usually pretty good at being "unflappable" (as my boss calls me) but my defenses broke down this time. Too much information, too vulnerable. Me being whiney and pathetic. Inevitably, it seems I manage to make a mess of things anyway. Among other issues, I've probably alienated, hopefully only temporarily, a couple of friends that I care very much about.

It's Only Going to Get Better

2008 was a year of transition for me. The two or three years prior had been hellish, with my un- and under-employment difficulties, some health crises, and trying to take care of myself and my house while working 60+ hours a week. My social life had all but disappeared. I was finally able to return to my beloved pastime, swing dancing, once I finally quit the part-time job at Red Cross in April.
I love my job with the City Council, and I am finally feeling a sense of security. That is a good thing in these times of economic woes. It would be nice if the salary were higher, but I look forward to going to work each day, have a terrific boss and co-workers, and it's always interesting!
My social life has come to revolve around Fridays: Jitterbugs Night Out dancing at the Eagles Club. It was a very different crowd, many different faces from before. Apart from a little "issue" with recalcitrant leads, and my ensuing facebook "rant" which generated not only nearly 100 comments, but some positive results - it's been terrific. I can't begin to say enough about my new circle of friends; I've come to care about them all very much, whether they want me to, or not :) I never cease to be amazed at the unique personalities, the talent, the camaraderie and dedicated friendships I am discovering. You've made my life so much better. Jillian, Sarah, Ben, Becki, Ben, Eric, Jessica, Lee, Matt and Vivian, Mark, Merinda and Troy - you have made my life richer, and me a better person.
2008 also brought some stand-out "Top 10" *ever* days in my life. The Shakespeare on the Green that got cancelled but became a "lemonade" day - I had just lost my beloved cat Pogo just a few days before, and spending time with my friends that day was healing. You have no idea how much I needed to *not* go home and what it meant for me to be with you all. Sunday, September 14 after Lindy in the Park. The beginning of the legendary "Order of the Shovel" - what a fun day! Dancing, ice cream, playing cards and pool, food and spending time basking in the company of friends. I just don't think it can get any better than that. It wasn't so much, for me, as to *what* we did, as long as it was with the extraordinary friends I was with. My parties: the September BBQ with uncooperative weather, lemon drop martinis and Emmalee the infamous fountain statue. The Order of the Shovel/movie (that never got watched) night last weekend. My birthday jam in October; without doubt, the most leads (guys and girls :) that I have *ever* danced with at any given event, in the space of about 5 minutes. I was honored to feel so cared about!
2008 started a trend in my life; I can see a brighter future ahead, surrounded by wonderful friends and family. 2009 can only be better!

Throwing Up Walls

To be honest, this is not my favorite time of year. I really struggle to get through the holidays, even though I enjoy the traditions and spending time with friends and family. I explained to a friend recently that over time I've experienced several tragic emotional and physical experiences over the holiday season. My father died two years ago in mid-December. Even though we were estranged, it was difficult being the next of kin, making arrangements, and realizing that any chance of ever knowing him was lost forever. Quite a few of my large extended family have also passed away during the holiday season.
Ten years ago, the day after Christmas in 1998, I nearly lost my life in a catastrophic car accident. Critically injured, I spent New Year's Eve in ICU, months out of the workforce, and the following two years plus dealing with constant pain, illness, loss, recuperation (involving hundreds of medical appointments), a nasty lawsuit and trying to get my life back on track. Without doubt, the most difficult experience of my entire life. While I feel it made me a stronger person, it's left me with a sense of vulnerability that I have yet to overcome.
My way of dealing with emotional fragility seems to be "throwing up walls" to avoid being hurt. I often cover up how I'm really feeling about some one or some thing by hiding behind indifference. Or I try to avoid certain situations altogether.
I know this is self-defeating. I hate it because I know oftentimes it makes me seem cold and hard. The truth? I'm anything but that. I'm too soft-hearted for my own good, I run on my emotions, I feel passionately. I care too much. I internalize responses or reactions from people around me and if I'm feeling they don't "like" me, I take it personally and wonder how to make myself better.
I am lucky enough to have loving friends and family around me that understand and they keep me grounded, keep me from spinning out of control emotionally. One step at a time, and I will move on into a warmer, safer place where I can lower my defenses again.