It's Only Going to Get Better

2008 was a year of transition for me. The two or three years prior had been hellish, with my un- and under-employment difficulties, some health crises, and trying to take care of myself and my house while working 60+ hours a week. My social life had all but disappeared. I was finally able to return to my beloved pastime, swing dancing, once I finally quit the part-time job at Red Cross in April.
I love my job with the City Council, and I am finally feeling a sense of security. That is a good thing in these times of economic woes. It would be nice if the salary were higher, but I look forward to going to work each day, have a terrific boss and co-workers, and it's always interesting!
My social life has come to revolve around Fridays: Jitterbugs Night Out dancing at the Eagles Club. It was a very different crowd, many different faces from before. Apart from a little "issue" with recalcitrant leads, and my ensuing facebook "rant" which generated not only nearly 100 comments, but some positive results - it's been terrific. I can't begin to say enough about my new circle of friends; I've come to care about them all very much, whether they want me to, or not :) I never cease to be amazed at the unique personalities, the talent, the camaraderie and dedicated friendships I am discovering. You've made my life so much better. Jillian, Sarah, Ben, Becki, Ben, Eric, Jessica, Lee, Matt and Vivian, Mark, Merinda and Troy - you have made my life richer, and me a better person.
2008 also brought some stand-out "Top 10" *ever* days in my life. The Shakespeare on the Green that got cancelled but became a "lemonade" day - I had just lost my beloved cat Pogo just a few days before, and spending time with my friends that day was healing. You have no idea how much I needed to *not* go home and what it meant for me to be with you all. Sunday, September 14 after Lindy in the Park. The beginning of the legendary "Order of the Shovel" - what a fun day! Dancing, ice cream, playing cards and pool, food and spending time basking in the company of friends. I just don't think it can get any better than that. It wasn't so much, for me, as to *what* we did, as long as it was with the extraordinary friends I was with. My parties: the September BBQ with uncooperative weather, lemon drop martinis and Emmalee the infamous fountain statue. The Order of the Shovel/movie (that never got watched) night last weekend. My birthday jam in October; without doubt, the most leads (guys and girls :) that I have *ever* danced with at any given event, in the space of about 5 minutes. I was honored to feel so cared about!
2008 started a trend in my life; I can see a brighter future ahead, surrounded by wonderful friends and family. 2009 can only be better!

Throwing Up Walls

To be honest, this is not my favorite time of year. I really struggle to get through the holidays, even though I enjoy the traditions and spending time with friends and family. I explained to a friend recently that over time I've experienced several tragic emotional and physical experiences over the holiday season. My father died two years ago in mid-December. Even though we were estranged, it was difficult being the next of kin, making arrangements, and realizing that any chance of ever knowing him was lost forever. Quite a few of my large extended family have also passed away during the holiday season.
Ten years ago, the day after Christmas in 1998, I nearly lost my life in a catastrophic car accident. Critically injured, I spent New Year's Eve in ICU, months out of the workforce, and the following two years plus dealing with constant pain, illness, loss, recuperation (involving hundreds of medical appointments), a nasty lawsuit and trying to get my life back on track. Without doubt, the most difficult experience of my entire life. While I feel it made me a stronger person, it's left me with a sense of vulnerability that I have yet to overcome.
My way of dealing with emotional fragility seems to be "throwing up walls" to avoid being hurt. I often cover up how I'm really feeling about some one or some thing by hiding behind indifference. Or I try to avoid certain situations altogether.
I know this is self-defeating. I hate it because I know oftentimes it makes me seem cold and hard. The truth? I'm anything but that. I'm too soft-hearted for my own good, I run on my emotions, I feel passionately. I care too much. I internalize responses or reactions from people around me and if I'm feeling they don't "like" me, I take it personally and wonder how to make myself better.
I am lucky enough to have loving friends and family around me that understand and they keep me grounded, keep me from spinning out of control emotionally. One step at a time, and I will move on into a warmer, safer place where I can lower my defenses again.