Lonely

It's catching up to me...I've managed to be ok with my singleness for the last few years. Since my last relationship, which was actually a pretty good one and didn't leave me with bad memories or the desire to avoid men in general, it's been more a matter of too much stress and too many other issues to deal with. It left me with little time or the energy to devote to a relationship.

But now...I want that. I miss having a companion/lover/confidant. There's such a void and it's hard to work my life around that. Keeping busy is one way to fill in the gaps...but it's a lot of work and I'm not always successful. Dancing, housework, yard work, spend time with friends and family, shopping, the job. Repeat. But I'm still lonely.

Most of my close friends are in relationships and while they're great about remembering to include me in events (although that doesn't happen often), I'm still the "third wheel". Last night, I went to a great outdoor concert with some young friends and everywhere around me were couples holding hands, sitting together, strolling around. It would've been a perfect night to share with someone special. My heart ached with the lack of that in my life.

I'm trying not create a pity party for myself, but I'm finding it so incredibly difficult to meet someone. There have been men I've been interested in, but I'm either ignored, put into the "friend" category, or flirted with (which I do love to do) with no end results. Frustrating and I don't know how to change that. I'm trying not to be too "picky" but the truth is, I suppose I am. I rarely meet men who have the combination of intelligence, integrity and sense of humor (and physical attraction...yes, I'm shallow enough to admit it) that catch my interest. I told a friend that is a combination that is guaranteed to "knock my socks off...and possibly other articles of clothing!" There's nothing I love better than an interesting, witty, funny flirting session! I've been lucky enough to encounter that scenario lately, but nothing ever comes of it.

A tendency I'm trying very hard to avoid, is to wonder what my faults are, what am I doing wrong, am I too fat or not pretty enough, is it my age? I don't want to tear myself up over this, and quite honestly I do acknowledge that I have many desirable qualities that should be in my favor. I'm very social and I have many friends who seem to think highly of me. So what's the problem? I'm beginning to feel that I just don't know how the dating scene works. The traditional sequence of events doesn't seem to exist. Boy meets girl. Exchange of phone numbers. Ask on a date. Etc. What is dating anymore?

The ways people communicate now are so different too: chat, email, texting. It's eliminated a lot of the "body language" part of interaction, which is something I have always relied on to understand where someone is coming from. Sure, someone can flirt with me by chat or email...but I can't see the look in the eye, the angle of the body, that would tell me if it's real or in fun. Not knowing for sure makes it impossible for me to be sure how to act upon a situation; I'm terrified of embarressing myself by assuming wrong.

Attitudes towards relationships seem to have changed too; for example "hooking up" and "friends with benefits." The latter I have actually given serious consideration to, although I doubt my ability to remain somewhat emotionally unattached as that would seem to require. The thought of an "open" relationship leaves me feeling uncomfortable. But, would "something be better than nothing"? I just don't know.

I have let desperate loneliness lead me to some unfortunate relationship decisions in the past and I have made a lot of effort to avoid that happening again. Have I gone too far with that? Perhaps my caution in "doing it right" this time has caused the barrier.

In the end, perhaps it's simply that I haven't met "the one" or even someone who is mutually attracted and willing...and that puts me right back to the beginning.

Not What I Expected: Trip to Kanas City for the Midwest Frankie Fest

I took a day of vacation this past weekend in order to travel to Kansas City, Missouri for the Midwest Frankie Fest. The event came about, I believe, as an effort to acknowledge the "Ambassador of Lindy Hop" Frankie Manning, who died in April, and provide another venue for those of us who were unable to make the trip to New York City for the Frankie95 event.

I love to travel and have been anxious to get on the road, to anywhere. Although I made the trip by myself, this was a nice opportunity for a weekend trip and some "me" time. It's a 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 hour trip, depending on construction and how fast you drive. I had plenty of time to think, listen to music, and even a phone chat with a friend (with a hands-free device, of course!) The weather on Friday was exceptional for traveling, although it became a little overcast as I neared KC. I set out a bit later than I wanted, but I took my time and made a couple of stops on the way, including the fireworks stands near Rockport, Missouri (a pyrotechnic I'm not, I like the small stuff like sparklers, parachutes and smoke bombs :) I also stopped at the Information Center on the interstate to pick up maps and brochures and stretch my legs.

I love the City Market area in K.C.; that was my first stop. I wandered around and checked out the shops, found some good bargains, then had some great Vietnamese food (spring rolls are awesome!) at a small restaurant there. I drove around downtown for a while to orient myself and then decided to head to Westport to check into my hotel. It was a very nice Holiday Inn Express. My only complaint was the 2nd floor room was rather noisy since it overlooked a bar's parking lot (and bars in K.C. stay open until 3 a.m.)

The first event of Midwest Frankie Fest (Swing for the Fund) on Friday evening was at a studio called Swing Salsa Tango, on the edge of the City Market area. I discovered that I was the only person from Omaha to show up (apart from P.J., a former Jitterbugger who has "defected" to West Coast Swing!) The venue was nice enough, although up a huge flight of stairs and there seemed little or no air conditioning. I've danced at many venues, however, and those are issues I've dealt with before.

What took me by surprise, however, was the lack of Lindy Hop/East Coast style music and dancing. Very little Big Band/Swing music was played, to my dismay, although this event was in recognition of Frankie Manning. The predominant music played by the DJ, by far, was geared towards the West Coast swing dancers. A lot of "club music" in particular. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy dancing to club music, but as far as east coast and lindy hop style dancing, it just doesn't work well if at all. Unfortunately, I do not know West Coast swing, and moreover, these "Westies" were entirely out of my league. It's great to watch, these dancers are quite talented and obviously enjoy it. I did not, however, make this trip to sit out and watch others dance. I am also somewhat spoiled, I think, by our Omaha leads, who are very good at asking for dances. I did not find that to be the case in Kansas City.

I did get to dance, although not as much as I'm used to. Most of the dancers were "Westies" and as the evening progressed, that was basically the only style of dancing being done. I was convinced into entering a Jack and Jill swing dance contest later on in the evening, but I really should know better! While I love to swing dance, I know my skills are not anywhere near "competition" level. It was a good opportunity to get to dance with some excellent leads, though!

I did meet some nice people, both local and from other states, but some who came for a "Lindy Hop" event expressed disappointment, as well, and did not show up at the other dances over the weekend. Since I dropped several hundred dollars for the gas, hotel, weekend pass, food and other expenses, I figured I'd try to make the most of it by making the most of being a "tourist."

Saturday morning, I met my young "several times removed" cousin Sarah, from the Barrett side of the family, for brunch. This was the first time I met Sarah and she is a delightful young woman. We got an outside table at "Succotash" in the City Market and I ordered what turned out to be the biggest, hub-cap-size blueberry pancake ever! It was yummy. I think it's fun to note that this place also has some of the strongest, but very good, coffee I've ever had at any restaurant. Even my mom, who is a die-hard strong black coffee addict, had to add cream, when we went there in the past! Sarah and I had a nice chat and then it was time for me to attend the dance workshops at Swing Salsa Tango, which lasted from noon until about 3:30. I was up very late (early?) and hadn't gotten much sleep so it was a bit of a struggle to make it through the lessons. Peter Strom is a great instructor and we started out with The Big Apple routine and went on to work on lindy basics, swing out moves and connection.

I really, really wanted to take a nap, But I visited a really cool architectural salvage place, and then decided to visit another cousin and her daughter at the Irish import shop they own, Sheehan's, on Westport Road, just up the street from my hotel. Sadly, Peggy, who is in her 70s,

is showing beginning signs of dementia, even though I have visited her quite a few times in the past, the last only about 1 1/2 years ago. She did not remember me at all. Her daughter Kate said Peggy is not accepting yet that she is having memory issues. It was great to see them both, though, and I just love browsing through the many rooms of wonderful stuff. I bought a small Belleek porcelain box with a Celtic design to add to my collection, and some wonderful Irish tea and "biscuits" (cookies).

For dinner, I decided on a Thai restaurant called Lulu's which I had driven past a few times on my way to and from the dance and workshops. I enjoyed some satay, Tom Yum soup (which was a little too spicy even for me) and steamed seafood dumplings! The waitress was terrific and friendly. It turns out she has family in Bellevue and I encouraged her to come up to Omaha for a visit!

Then it was time to get cleaned up for the Saturday night dance, which was held at the old Firestone building on 20th and Grand. The building appears to be under renovation and our dance venue was disappointing: a 5th floor room with a raised dance floor, not very clean and rather dusty, with little seating and absolutely no air conditioning. It had been a hot day and once people got dancing, it was almost unbearably hot in there. Some more familiar faces were there; Hilary and Sam from KC, and Brian and Josie from Omaha. At least the view was great.

The highlight of the whole event, I think, was the wonderful lindy hop routine put on by "The Swingsters"! However, I only got to dance maybe 2 or 3 times, so I decided to leave early and just head back to the hotel.

I was exhausted and slept like the dead that night! A comfy bed with cool sheets and lots of pillows helped! The hotel provided a casual breakfast buffet and then I packed up and set out for some sight-seeing. It was quite hot again and I wasn't enthusiastic about the idea of an outside dance/picnic, which was the final event of the weekend. I chose to go to see the Thomas Hart Benton (1889-1975) mansion first. He was a famous American Regionalist painter, sculptor, lecturer and writer. Joslyn Art Museum in Omaha does display one of his paintings. I was the only tourist, and the guide took me on a very informative tour of the house and studio. The home was situated in a beautiful older neighborhood with lots of big shady trees. I also discovered that the house next door was a Frank Lloyd Wright-designed home. He and Benton were acquaintances.


From there, I visited the World War I memorial, which is beautiful and thought-provoking. For some reason, of which I am not sure, the "eternal" flame at the top of the tower is no longer lit. Afterwards, I headed on to the famous 18th and Vine area, which was where the dance/picnic was held. I did stop by, but there were only a handful of people and no one dancing. I stayed for a few minutes, then went on to check out the American Jazz Museum and the Negro Leagues Baseball Museum, which are housed in a building just off of 18th and Vine. Both were really interesting. Too bad the "Blue Room" jazz club in the museum was not open, I would've loved to hear some great live blues and jazz music! That will be something to do on my next trip to K.C.

By the time I finished there, it was late afternoon. I decided I'd better head back to Omaha, since it was late afternoon. One last stop on my way out of town was for pecan waffles at Waffle House! I love Waffle House and wish they'd open some locations in the Omaha area. I made very good time coming home, with no stops and in spite of quite a bit of construction between Glenwood and Omaha. It was a good get-away weekend; despite the disappointments about the dance event.

I think that if this group wants to put on another dance event (which I would be unlikely to attend), they should use more care in how it is promoted (i.e. don't plaster a known lindy-hop icon all over the propaganda) and take more consideration in the expectations of their out-of-town guests. The key word here is "guests", we're taking the time to travel to your city for a reason, not to mention injecting money into your economy. When we're disappointed in our reception, that is carried home in our words to others. Interestingly enough, after I got home, I was told by several others that if they had known I was going, they would've given me a "heads-up" about the predilection of the West Coast Swing folks to overwhelm events with just one style of dancing: theirs.

I am good at making the best of situations, and I still came away from my weekend with some good times and enjoyable memories. I always love going to Kansas City and I'm already looking forward to next time!