Internet Dating or Internet Hating?

Over the years, I've tried internet dating sites as an alternative and, if approached carefully, a good way to meet men. I've made several lasting friendships this way, and did end up dating a few. with the exception of a couple nasty experiences, for the most part it's been a postive experience. I decided a few months ago to give it another try, as my dating life has been, well, non-existent. I have a good social life and great friends, but I do miss having "someone special" to spend time with.

This may be a situation where I "got what I paid for" but I decided to try a free dating site. I'm becoming more and more convinced that this wasn't a good idea. It's not so much the "selection" as the behavior ofthe limited number of men I've been in contact with (or not). I've only actually met one from this site and we remained friends. What I am encountering, repeatedly, is the lack of boundaries, courtesy and politeness. (Like the guy who asked me, in our *first* phone conversation, what my bra size was!) Many of these men don't seem to give a damn about making a positive impression (like not bothering to shave or "clean up" a bit before meeting me). Many come across with negative attitudes and even aggressiveness.

Over time, I've decided that simply not responding to initial correspondence from guys is preferable to writing and telling them I'm not interested. My intention is not to be rude, but I often encountered the follow-up response of "why not?" or "you're not being fair/giving me a chance" etc. I'm not obligated to provide an excuse. It's really a "given" in the internet-dating scene that no response equals "I'm not interested." I don't take offense at this. I move on.
Last week, I received a note from a guy that I chose not to respond to; I found nothing of interest in his profile and didn't find him attractive. Yesteray, I received the following message from him (unedited):

“I feel 100% sorry for the person you trap in your web. who in your mind do you think you are? are you better than everyone else? maybe in your own mind you are however when someone writes to you with nothing but repect and nothing disrespectufl and you cant even reply with a simple no thank you. you are a selfish person. oh yes you want someone in your life but only on your terms. when someone hold the door for you do you just walk in with out a thank you? Im sure you do. you are old enough to know how to treat people. you get what you give. god help the man that falls for you. you put your profile up on here and you know very well that you as a lady (I use lady very loosely) that you will get many emails, well if you cant stand the heat get out of the kitchen. you need to take what comes from putting a profile on here and be respectful. you want the attention but wont give it back. you must carry on a one way relation.( all about you) pathetic”

Wow. My first thought was "WTF? Can you say "anger management issues"???" Did I actually *deserve* this vitriolic, hateful diatribe? Because I, a complete stranger, did not write back? I think not. *No one does* This is abusive language. Period. Interestingly, in this guy's profile he calls himself "too good to be true." I'm thinking: insecure, boorish @$$hole.

I have to admit, I found this very upsetting. Not because of this particular moron, but that kind of nastiness that seems to be seeping into the dating scenario, and not just online sites. I find it disheartening and discouraging. Tolerate bad behavior or verbal/physical/mental abusiveness? Been there, done that. Quite honestly, I'd rather be alone and that in itself is a very painful thought.

My Favorite Holiday - with a Bang!

Some of my favorite childhood memories involve celebrating the Fourth of July. My mom owns a small farm in the Loess Hills in Iowa, where we lived during the summer (the rest of the year we lived in Omaha). Relatives (and I have a lot of them - my mom came from a family of 11 children) would gather and spend a day or two or three, pitching tents or parking their RVs in the field in front of the old farmhouse. Vast quantities of food would appear on makeshift tables, and the multiple cousins and I would help turn the handle to make homemade vanilla ice cream.

Watermelons and seed-spitting "contests", an occasional hog roast, horseshoes, and night-time hide-and-seek. I had a tree house in the back and we spent hours playing in our "fort" or tramping around in the woods or swimming in the creek. We also had a swing in the big old oak tree. We also used to lay out in the yard and watch the stars at night, waiting for lunar eclipses or meteor showers; I usually ended up falling asleep!

But the best part of all were the fireworks! My stepfather loved them and we would make a special trip to Rockport, Missouri each year and bring home big paper bags full of them. The rules were very strict, however, no fooling around or we couldn't play with them. Light the fuse and run away! There was a scary incident once particularly dry summer when we accidently set the field on fire with bottle rockets. We beat the fire out with wet blankets; it was a good thing we were able to do so as the nearest town (and fire department) is eight miles away. My little brother and I had the best time blowing pieces of bark off the old hackberry tree in the yard with Black Cats! My favorite of all are the "parachutes". To this day, I love the smell of fireworks and the smoke drifting in the night time air.

I was happy to enjoy this year's parade in Ralston, a small BBQ, and a couple of fireworks displays with good friends. I missed the traditional Rosenblatt display, I chose not to go because of the rainy weather, but did catch the Harrah's one from the new Omaha-Council Bluffs pedestrian bridge, and the Field Club neighborhood display only a few blocks from my house, which though small, is pretty impressive.


A few other folks decided
to join us.

I caught some pretty shots from the bridge and thought I'd share them.

Lonely

It's catching up to me...I've managed to be ok with my singleness for the last few years. Since my last relationship, which was actually a pretty good one and didn't leave me with bad memories or the desire to avoid men in general, it's been more a matter of too much stress and too many other issues to deal with. It left me with little time or the energy to devote to a relationship.

But now...I want that. I miss having a companion/lover/confidant. There's such a void and it's hard to work my life around that. Keeping busy is one way to fill in the gaps...but it's a lot of work and I'm not always successful. Dancing, housework, yard work, spend time with friends and family, shopping, the job. Repeat. But I'm still lonely.

Most of my close friends are in relationships and while they're great about remembering to include me in events (although that doesn't happen often), I'm still the "third wheel". Last night, I went to a great outdoor concert with some young friends and everywhere around me were couples holding hands, sitting together, strolling around. It would've been a perfect night to share with someone special. My heart ached with the lack of that in my life.

I'm trying not create a pity party for myself, but I'm finding it so incredibly difficult to meet someone. There have been men I've been interested in, but I'm either ignored, put into the "friend" category, or flirted with (which I do love to do) with no end results. Frustrating and I don't know how to change that. I'm trying not to be too "picky" but the truth is, I suppose I am. I rarely meet men who have the combination of intelligence, integrity and sense of humor (and physical attraction...yes, I'm shallow enough to admit it) that catch my interest. I told a friend that is a combination that is guaranteed to "knock my socks off...and possibly other articles of clothing!" There's nothing I love better than an interesting, witty, funny flirting session! I've been lucky enough to encounter that scenario lately, but nothing ever comes of it.

A tendency I'm trying very hard to avoid, is to wonder what my faults are, what am I doing wrong, am I too fat or not pretty enough, is it my age? I don't want to tear myself up over this, and quite honestly I do acknowledge that I have many desirable qualities that should be in my favor. I'm very social and I have many friends who seem to think highly of me. So what's the problem? I'm beginning to feel that I just don't know how the dating scene works. The traditional sequence of events doesn't seem to exist. Boy meets girl. Exchange of phone numbers. Ask on a date. Etc. What is dating anymore?

The ways people communicate now are so different too: chat, email, texting. It's eliminated a lot of the "body language" part of interaction, which is something I have always relied on to understand where someone is coming from. Sure, someone can flirt with me by chat or email...but I can't see the look in the eye, the angle of the body, that would tell me if it's real or in fun. Not knowing for sure makes it impossible for me to be sure how to act upon a situation; I'm terrified of embarressing myself by assuming wrong.

Attitudes towards relationships seem to have changed too; for example "hooking up" and "friends with benefits." The latter I have actually given serious consideration to, although I doubt my ability to remain somewhat emotionally unattached as that would seem to require. The thought of an "open" relationship leaves me feeling uncomfortable. But, would "something be better than nothing"? I just don't know.

I have let desperate loneliness lead me to some unfortunate relationship decisions in the past and I have made a lot of effort to avoid that happening again. Have I gone too far with that? Perhaps my caution in "doing it right" this time has caused the barrier.

In the end, perhaps it's simply that I haven't met "the one" or even someone who is mutually attracted and willing...and that puts me right back to the beginning.

Not What I Expected: Trip to Kanas City for the Midwest Frankie Fest

I took a day of vacation this past weekend in order to travel to Kansas City, Missouri for the Midwest Frankie Fest. The event came about, I believe, as an effort to acknowledge the "Ambassador of Lindy Hop" Frankie Manning, who died in April, and provide another venue for those of us who were unable to make the trip to New York City for the Frankie95 event.

I love to travel and have been anxious to get on the road, to anywhere. Although I made the trip by myself, this was a nice opportunity for a weekend trip and some "me" time. It's a 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 hour trip, depending on construction and how fast you drive. I had plenty of time to think, listen to music, and even a phone chat with a friend (with a hands-free device, of course!) The weather on Friday was exceptional for traveling, although it became a little overcast as I neared KC. I set out a bit later than I wanted, but I took my time and made a couple of stops on the way, including the fireworks stands near Rockport, Missouri (a pyrotechnic I'm not, I like the small stuff like sparklers, parachutes and smoke bombs :) I also stopped at the Information Center on the interstate to pick up maps and brochures and stretch my legs.

I love the City Market area in K.C.; that was my first stop. I wandered around and checked out the shops, found some good bargains, then had some great Vietnamese food (spring rolls are awesome!) at a small restaurant there. I drove around downtown for a while to orient myself and then decided to head to Westport to check into my hotel. It was a very nice Holiday Inn Express. My only complaint was the 2nd floor room was rather noisy since it overlooked a bar's parking lot (and bars in K.C. stay open until 3 a.m.)

The first event of Midwest Frankie Fest (Swing for the Fund) on Friday evening was at a studio called Swing Salsa Tango, on the edge of the City Market area. I discovered that I was the only person from Omaha to show up (apart from P.J., a former Jitterbugger who has "defected" to West Coast Swing!) The venue was nice enough, although up a huge flight of stairs and there seemed little or no air conditioning. I've danced at many venues, however, and those are issues I've dealt with before.

What took me by surprise, however, was the lack of Lindy Hop/East Coast style music and dancing. Very little Big Band/Swing music was played, to my dismay, although this event was in recognition of Frankie Manning. The predominant music played by the DJ, by far, was geared towards the West Coast swing dancers. A lot of "club music" in particular. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy dancing to club music, but as far as east coast and lindy hop style dancing, it just doesn't work well if at all. Unfortunately, I do not know West Coast swing, and moreover, these "Westies" were entirely out of my league. It's great to watch, these dancers are quite talented and obviously enjoy it. I did not, however, make this trip to sit out and watch others dance. I am also somewhat spoiled, I think, by our Omaha leads, who are very good at asking for dances. I did not find that to be the case in Kansas City.

I did get to dance, although not as much as I'm used to. Most of the dancers were "Westies" and as the evening progressed, that was basically the only style of dancing being done. I was convinced into entering a Jack and Jill swing dance contest later on in the evening, but I really should know better! While I love to swing dance, I know my skills are not anywhere near "competition" level. It was a good opportunity to get to dance with some excellent leads, though!

I did meet some nice people, both local and from other states, but some who came for a "Lindy Hop" event expressed disappointment, as well, and did not show up at the other dances over the weekend. Since I dropped several hundred dollars for the gas, hotel, weekend pass, food and other expenses, I figured I'd try to make the most of it by making the most of being a "tourist."

Saturday morning, I met my young "several times removed" cousin Sarah, from the Barrett side of the family, for brunch. This was the first time I met Sarah and she is a delightful young woman. We got an outside table at "Succotash" in the City Market and I ordered what turned out to be the biggest, hub-cap-size blueberry pancake ever! It was yummy. I think it's fun to note that this place also has some of the strongest, but very good, coffee I've ever had at any restaurant. Even my mom, who is a die-hard strong black coffee addict, had to add cream, when we went there in the past! Sarah and I had a nice chat and then it was time for me to attend the dance workshops at Swing Salsa Tango, which lasted from noon until about 3:30. I was up very late (early?) and hadn't gotten much sleep so it was a bit of a struggle to make it through the lessons. Peter Strom is a great instructor and we started out with The Big Apple routine and went on to work on lindy basics, swing out moves and connection.

I really, really wanted to take a nap, But I visited a really cool architectural salvage place, and then decided to visit another cousin and her daughter at the Irish import shop they own, Sheehan's, on Westport Road, just up the street from my hotel. Sadly, Peggy, who is in her 70s,

is showing beginning signs of dementia, even though I have visited her quite a few times in the past, the last only about 1 1/2 years ago. She did not remember me at all. Her daughter Kate said Peggy is not accepting yet that she is having memory issues. It was great to see them both, though, and I just love browsing through the many rooms of wonderful stuff. I bought a small Belleek porcelain box with a Celtic design to add to my collection, and some wonderful Irish tea and "biscuits" (cookies).

For dinner, I decided on a Thai restaurant called Lulu's which I had driven past a few times on my way to and from the dance and workshops. I enjoyed some satay, Tom Yum soup (which was a little too spicy even for me) and steamed seafood dumplings! The waitress was terrific and friendly. It turns out she has family in Bellevue and I encouraged her to come up to Omaha for a visit!

Then it was time to get cleaned up for the Saturday night dance, which was held at the old Firestone building on 20th and Grand. The building appears to be under renovation and our dance venue was disappointing: a 5th floor room with a raised dance floor, not very clean and rather dusty, with little seating and absolutely no air conditioning. It had been a hot day and once people got dancing, it was almost unbearably hot in there. Some more familiar faces were there; Hilary and Sam from KC, and Brian and Josie from Omaha. At least the view was great.

The highlight of the whole event, I think, was the wonderful lindy hop routine put on by "The Swingsters"! However, I only got to dance maybe 2 or 3 times, so I decided to leave early and just head back to the hotel.

I was exhausted and slept like the dead that night! A comfy bed with cool sheets and lots of pillows helped! The hotel provided a casual breakfast buffet and then I packed up and set out for some sight-seeing. It was quite hot again and I wasn't enthusiastic about the idea of an outside dance/picnic, which was the final event of the weekend. I chose to go to see the Thomas Hart Benton (1889-1975) mansion first. He was a famous American Regionalist painter, sculptor, lecturer and writer. Joslyn Art Museum in Omaha does display one of his paintings. I was the only tourist, and the guide took me on a very informative tour of the house and studio. The home was situated in a beautiful older neighborhood with lots of big shady trees. I also discovered that the house next door was a Frank Lloyd Wright-designed home. He and Benton were acquaintances.


From there, I visited the World War I memorial, which is beautiful and thought-provoking. For some reason, of which I am not sure, the "eternal" flame at the top of the tower is no longer lit. Afterwards, I headed on to the famous 18th and Vine area, which was where the dance/picnic was held. I did stop by, but there were only a handful of people and no one dancing. I stayed for a few minutes, then went on to check out the American Jazz Museum and the Negro Leagues Baseball Museum, which are housed in a building just off of 18th and Vine. Both were really interesting. Too bad the "Blue Room" jazz club in the museum was not open, I would've loved to hear some great live blues and jazz music! That will be something to do on my next trip to K.C.

By the time I finished there, it was late afternoon. I decided I'd better head back to Omaha, since it was late afternoon. One last stop on my way out of town was for pecan waffles at Waffle House! I love Waffle House and wish they'd open some locations in the Omaha area. I made very good time coming home, with no stops and in spite of quite a bit of construction between Glenwood and Omaha. It was a good get-away weekend; despite the disappointments about the dance event.

I think that if this group wants to put on another dance event (which I would be unlikely to attend), they should use more care in how it is promoted (i.e. don't plaster a known lindy-hop icon all over the propaganda) and take more consideration in the expectations of their out-of-town guests. The key word here is "guests", we're taking the time to travel to your city for a reason, not to mention injecting money into your economy. When we're disappointed in our reception, that is carried home in our words to others. Interestingly enough, after I got home, I was told by several others that if they had known I was going, they would've given me a "heads-up" about the predilection of the West Coast Swing folks to overwhelm events with just one style of dancing: theirs.

I am good at making the best of situations, and I still came away from my weekend with some good times and enjoyable memories. I always love going to Kansas City and I'm already looking forward to next time!

Media Exposure and Expansion

I've had a bit of excitement this past week in my currently rather mundane existence.

Last Thursday, something unexpected happened as a result of my current job. Dealing with the media is a common, sometimes daily part of my routine, depending on whatever the issue-du-jour happens to be. I'm on a first-name basis with several of the local news reporters. Normally I'm not to make media comments, ever. My boss made an exception to the rule that day. I'd been inundated with dozens of calls from irate constituents who balk at the idea of increased property taxes and so on. The following "human interest" bit of video fluff is my resultant 30 seconds of fame. Due to creative editing, however, I don't think I look too dorkish and taxpayers should be happy to know that they're paying me to keep busy!

http://www.action3news.com/global/video/flash/popupplayer.asp?clipId1=3786692&at1=News&vt1=v&h1=Mayor

The video title is in error (I have a Journalism degree and would consider this an embarrassing oversight on the editor's part), I feel obliged to note that I do *not* work for the Mayor's office.

Last night was the beginning of my foray into a new level of PC awareness (that's personal computer, not politically correct - perhaps a topic for another occasion); I bought a fairly new-model laptop computer from a friend, with the potential for high-speed/wireless internet connection. I sheepishly admit to being a hold-out subscriber to dial-up, probably the last one on Planet Earth, or so it seems at times! I am also looking forward to the portability, which will be nice when I'm traveling or away from home and need access. It is a bit on the heavy side, but luckily as a seasoned traveler, I've become quite good at packing light with other things. I may have to creatively embellish it a bit (sparkly stickers perhaps?), as it is a bit too "basic black".

Behold, my Dell Latitude E5400:

I think/hope my computer-nerd/geek friends (and I mean that in a respectful, loving way :) will be proud of me and help me through my transition into higher technology.

Is it just me, or is this pretty darn funny?

Yes, folks, this spiffy young couple posed for prom pictures in the drive-thru lane at Taco Bell. I was just sitting there waiting to order my chalupa and lo and behold, they unknowingly include me in the mementos of their "night to remember." Since my car will be in the background, I was sorry that I hadn't washed it recently.

Makes me wonder if Council-tucky, I mean Council Bluffs, doesn't have more scenic venues...

Lines of (Non)Communication

I've been thinking a lot lately about the impact of communication technology, in particular upon me, personally. It's gotten to where I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the changes in the technology itself (phones that do nearly everything but wash the dishes!), but also its effect on how I communicate, or not, with friends, acquaintances and the "world".

I've been a hold-out when it comes to text-messaging. Although "chat" is very fun and convenient, I much prefer communicating vocally if at all possible. There are nuances that simply don't come across digitally. I am a very "aural" person and I rely heavily on inflection, body language, tone, and the like. Seeing their face, hearing their voice, watching their body language - that is a very intrinsic part of how I communicate and understand. I sometimes feel that what I'm trying to say just doesn't translate well into the "real time" of chat. Have you ever gotten caught up in several different "topics" going on at the same time in chat due to overlapping input? I have often had those "oops!" moments when awkward transitions occur or what I've been trying to say comes across as embarrassing or ridiculous, or worse, offensive.

Unfortunately there's often little or no opportunity to "undo" misunderstandings or information that just didn't translate the way I wanted. "Ahhh! That's not how I meant that!" Sometimes it almost feels like learning a foreign language! I can only hope that people who know me, and those who don't know me well, are tolerant and capable of discerning that maybe that wasn't quite the way I meant certain things to be "said." On the other hand, most of the time they're probably clueless and just take away the thought and decipher however they would. I experience a great deal of angst about this, especially when I think about chat conversations in retrospect.

Then, there's the "etiquette" of chat and, I suppose, text, once I finally get around to getting the service. Which I think will be soon if I want to keep up with the social circles I move in. I still perceive it as rather rude when a friend I am spending time with, one on one, repeatedly checks their phone or sends texts during our conversations. Of course, I'm very tolerant and realize that sometimes it's necessary, such as urgent or important messages. However, casual texting is the same as holding a parallel conversation and is somewhat disruptive. I do find it funny, but somehow kind of sad, when I'm sitting with friends and everyone's texting - even to people sitting at the same table! I also find it sad that some even avoid actually talking to someone on the phone in lieu of chat or text. I suppose it is a good way to "control" the conversation and assume that is often the reason.

That being said, I'm amazed at the miraculous innovation of things I could never have imagined being possible, even a few years ago. The potential is so exciting, but overwhelming. Still, it's a changing world and I wonder what the long term aspect will be of separating the way we communicate with each other, away from face-to-face interaction, or voice interaction, to the more "impersonal" methods of chat, text and email. I'm not entirely convinced that will be a positive outcome in the interaction of humanity.